What Holds Us Back?

Sometimes I have trouble fully committing. In many areas of life I have a tendency to hold back, at least a little. I hold back some of my effort, thought, care, or heart. I hold back in terms of committing time or sometimes emotion. Don't get me wrong, I think it is important to have boundaries, but I can also see the danger in not fully embracing life - giving life a "side hug" because its safer and more comfortable. I know the bible calls us to "guard our heart" but are there times when God asks us to lay it all out there and hold nothing back?

One example of this for me is getting involved at church. I've experienced all levels of involvement at various churches. I've been through all the extremes, from being a passive Sunday morning observer, to an active plan, speak, sing and serve every Sunday morning and 3 or 4 nights of the week attender. In fact last year at this time I was volunteering at a church in Australia and was so involved that I actually lived in the church building. There wasn't a prayer meeting that went on without my attendance for 6 months. I was preaching every few weeks, in the worship band, planning outreach events, attending bible study and even baking and cleaning. And in the end of that experience I got burned - burned so bad I didn't think I'd ever recover.

Since being back Alex and I have found a new church to call home, a place where we see God's love in action and feel drawn to be apart of it. And though this place is loving, accepting, real and honest - I'm scared to death of committing. So I go on Sunday mornings, and I sporadically attend a house group and connections class, but there is something in me that holds back. Something that causes me to say, "I just don't feel like going". Something that keeps me from wanting to use my gifts. Something that makes me sit back passively and not really get involved.

And that's where I'm at. I can't end this post with a verse or a hopeful thought because I don't have the answers. I just know that I'm holding back and that its leaving me unsatisfied.